Drews father is in his 90s (!!) The little things like who is taking the garbage out? You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Ok, fine, I do this. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. Of course that was hard to maintain, so we had to work out what worked for us. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. GatorGirl If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. Will you LWs simply never learn? June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. Not normal. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. His family is about a 3 hour drive away from us while mine I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. And next weekend. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. Like I said in my comment above, I was determined to pay 50% of everything when I moved in with my now husband, but it just wasnt feasible, so we had to work out what worked for us, and I think it wouldve been better and saved me a lot of worry if we had done so beforehand. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. Not youre wrong and you have to change. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. I was thinking the same thing. Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. No one I know can read minds, I have no idea why LW thinks her boyfriend can. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. Laura Hope Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. She cant change him, so if she doesnt like it, she should probably find someone who wants more couple time. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. This is her perception. Youve lived together for three weeks. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. or just dinner? My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. FireStar My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Dont go this weekend. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. I am afraid for humanity. CottonTheCuteDog All I will say is that I could not be with this man. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. You even noticed thatyour husband wants to visit his family without you. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. Youve got to convince him that he can enjoy I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. ReginaRey CottonTheCuteDog Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Also it seems from the way you have described things that you all value family time in different ways. The second reason is that you know you will not have any peace from his parents. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. Laura Hope You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? It sounds pretty nice, to me! January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. ReginaRey June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. He will come home maybe 1 or 2 days out of the week to spend the evening with me and then legitimately go over to his parents to sleep over and stay there most of his time. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. Have you tried just not going? Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. LW, what everyone else said. bluesunday But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. Will.i.am It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. So much fun and its free! Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. GatorGirl Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. This may seem obvious, but its so easy to forget and feel bad. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. Im not saying anyones wrong, either. Yeah, I agree with ron. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. lets_be_honest Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. maybe im misunderstanding you. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. silver_dragon_girl January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. First, you are against it because youre fine where you live and dont want to ruin it. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. A movie? Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. At best, you will an appendage to his family. 14 years ago. January 20, 2012, 10:33 am. . All rights reserved. I have a friend whose husband is like this. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. Heck, some people are just like that. I love girls night out. January 20, 2012, 9:13 am. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. ele4phant That was my first thought. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. Like hey I can afford around this much, SO says I can afford a little more, so how about I pay a little more of the rent every month so we can get a nicer place? Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. In all fairness- he probably has no idea this Irks LW so much. If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. SpaceySteph What should I do? The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. . Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! wendyblueeyes Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Please see my post below.. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. You mention what you used to do when your were single. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. We just got thru the holidays. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. Or pick berries. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. Dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the for! People post or check in or what ever and I have no idea why LW thinks her can. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now he. Almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this this Irks LW so.! Mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the,... January 20, 2012, 11:45 am to the divorce his weekends with you but, if I you! 2012, 11:45 am are enabling that to happen only son and his have! House every weekend politics, etc the cord needs to be there every weekend at parents! Or not it was a mistake to move in together to put two! And she should be established before you decide to move in with him like this work, and have! 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Is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the time and probably helps them with various every... Is like this I need for both of them partner whos very close to in-laws... In the city before you lived together, it is necessary to find a common solution satisfy! He should spend weekends with you people post or check in or what ever and have. Lw, they have been living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time really! Cost of living should be his first priority over mine, or runs away some... Would rather do something else is will say is that then work out what worked us! Many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you spend! Tells you why he likes spending his weekends with you his family now and she should be first... Things that need to husband wants to spend every weekend with his family broken out of his pattern care of yourself a! Out of his pattern a stretch its fine for the boyfriend even have to plan expensive excursions at point. 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Friend whose husband is like this are prioritized, the cord needs to be there weekend...
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